I regret having let a couple of months pass without documenting the small things that truly do make up a couple of amazing little lives. But at the same time, it's just as hard to waste time (when I finally find some) on laments, vs. rushing to fill the gaps.
Today, I feel the sour taste of our upcoming big cross-country move. Today was Thanksgiving - and such a very, very good one. Watching the kids among family took away a lot of stress and almost eliminated the ongoing little wheels of daily worries in my head. The day went well - one of those (uncommon) days when everything works out just right; Jack takes a three-hour morning nap ahead of the party while I have a chance to cook without hurry and having to track down an almost-mobile enthusiastic 15-month-old. I've also reached a point within the last couple of weeks of not having time or energy to fret over irrelevant things and am actually finding it easier to relax when I can. So this afternoon was almost picture-perfect, with food and family and catching up and watching the kids act so well-adjusted and be so loved.
Among the daily noise, to distill a deep emotion is hard; but in step with the spirit of the holiday, I'd like to tell myself how grateful I am. I've ran ragged this last year; but even during the most difficult days, I can look back and know that I have not lost an ability to focus on a split moment of a day and feel gratitude and a wordless, ephemeral 'thank you' when I catch a sight of Maya's lit-up face; or when Jack breaks into one of his extra-goofy grins, so wide that he has to shut his eyes to allow the ecstasy onto the rest of his face; or a sweet, heartbreaking hug out of nowhere, the feel of Jack's cheek on my chest as he grows tired and tucks himself into me... I would readily volunteer that my life is far from perfect, but on days like this, I can't bring myself to dig up the usual familial junk, and instead truly want to just pack my heart tight with memories of light and laughter and the kids' smiles.
Jack's illness, like absolutely nothing else in my life, has, since its first moment of arrival, without mercy brought down a lesson of instant appreciation. For every moment gone right. For every unexpected act of kindness from my kids. For their strong love for each other, even at such a tender age. For the soft breathing I get when checking on them late at night. For how they mend their parents' grown-up relationship with all its undone pieces.
My kids confirm to me that my life ambition is not about proving myself or improving myself; it's about doing right, doing well no matter what the 'doing' is - managing multi-million dollar projects or cooking Jack's baby food late in the night. My kids give me my discipline and drive me to shed any preconceived notions about what or who I need to be. I am without a question a better person because of them.
My dear little ones: I'm short on words to let you know how infinite my sense of gratitude is for you. The gift of both of you feels just like grace... completely undeserved and utterly amazing. I pray for your health; for your faith; for your character; for your passion and interests; for your future families; for my relationship with you for the rest of our lives. I love you - such small words compared to how large I feel about you.
